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ABHISAR

When I entered inside our bedroom, boxes of gifts were placed on the table along with a letter beside them.

I walked towards the table and picked up the letter to read it.

प्रिय नुपुर,

Shubhashish! Aasha hai tum thik hogi. Hume tumhari bahut yaad aati hai.

Teej ka tyohar pass aa raha hai, aur hum sab tumhari pehli Teej tumhare saath manane ke liye bahut utsuk hai.

Tumhari Maa aur Bhabhi tumhe bahut yaad kar rahi hai. Unhone kaha hai ki Teej ka tyohar iss bar tumhare bina adhoora hai. Sabhi behne milkar teej ki taiyaari kar rahi hai aur tumhari hasi, tumhare saath ka maza sabhi ko bahut yaad aa raha hai.

Hume tumhari ek jhalak dekhne ka intezar hai. Aasha hai tum jald aaogi. Tumhare bina sab kuch adhoora sa lagta hai. Damad ji ko bhi saath zaroor Lana.

Tumhe bahut saara pyaar bhejte hai.

Tumhare babuji, aur Tumhara parivaar.

[ Dear Nupur,

Blessings! I hope you are doing well. We miss you very much. The Teej festival is approaching, and we would like to invite you to celebrate it with us as it's your first Teej.

Your mother and sister-in-law are missing you a lot. They have said that this year’s Teej celebration feels incomplete without you. All the sisters are preparing for the festival together, and your laughter and presence are dearly missed.

We are eagerly waiting to catch a glimpse of you. We hope you will come soon. Everything feels a little incomplete without you.

Sending you lots of love.

Your father and family.]

I wanted to tear the paper apart in pieces and blow it out of the window. But I didn't. I placed it where it was previously and walked to our bed.

I lay down on the bed and tried to shut the surrounding off, but soon, I felt Nupur shifting beside me, to place her head on my chest and hold me by my torso.

“Abhisar...”

I hummed.

“Aap ... Aapne chhitthi padha?”

["Did you read the letter?"]

“Tumne padh liya na, kafi hai.”

["You read it na? That's enough for me ."]

She shifted a little up and cupped my cheek, turning my face towards her.

“Kya hua? Gussa hai aap?”

["What happened? Are you upset?"]

I chuckled, but not sarcastically “Nahi.. aapse gussa hone ka haq kaha hume, humari pyari biwi.”

["No... where do I have the right to be angry with you, my dear wife?"]

She sat up slowly, and looked into my eyes,

“Aap..aisi baatein kyu kar rahe hai? Gussa hai toh kahiye na.”

["Why are you saying such things? If you're angry, just say it."]

I shook my head, “Nahi hai gussa. Kyu honge? Aapne thodi hi kuch galat kiya hai.”

["I'm not angry. Why would I be? You haven't done anything wrong."]

“Aap nahi chahte hum Teej ke liye apne mayeke jaye?”

["Don't you want me to go to my maternal home for Teej?"]

I moved up hand slowly to hold hers, but she took it back and that irked me even more, because I wasn't genuinely behaving like I was angry with her.

It's not her fault. She is bound to love her parents, and I cannot force and stop that. Obviously. So, there's no reason for me to be angry. But with these questions, I'm getting irritated now.

“Aapne khud kaha tha ...ki aap hume humare mayeke lekar jaenge. Hum jaane bhi wale the..magar—”

.. “Fir ab kya hogaya, Abhisar? Achanak yeh gussa kyu?”

["You yourself said... that you would take me to my maternal home. We were going to go... but—"

"...So what happened now, Abhisar? Why this sudden anger?"]

I shook my head and tried to hold her again, but she pushed my hands away and this time I felt the rage building inside me, bubbling up.

“Hume iss baare me baat nahi karni hai, Nupur.”

["I don't want to talk about this, Nupur."]

“Magar hume karni hai, Abhisar.” She almost yelled and I lost it.

I don't understand why is she yelling.

“Aap apne mayeke jaana chahti hai. Jab humari Maa guzri toh kitne log aaye aapke mayeke se humari Maa ke shraad me?” I keep my voice subtle.

["You want to go to your maternal home. When my mother passed away, how many people from your side came for her last rites?"]

She widened her eyes as if surprised by my words. Breathing in slowly, she shot up back to me,

“Aap bhul rahe h ki humare dono bhai ko humare parivaar me se kisi ne maara tha, Abhisar. Aap bhul rahe hai ki jab Hume waha jaana chahiye tha, aap bhi hume lekar nahi gaye the. Har waqt aap aisa kyu sochte hai ki pehla kadam humare hi mayeke wale uthaye?”

["You're forgetting that both of my brothers were killed by someone from our family, Abhisar. You're forgetting that when I should have gone there, you didn’t take me either. Why do you always think that the first step should be taken by my family?"]

I sat up, looking directly into her eyes.

“Aur aap bhul Rahi hai, Nupur, ki humari Bhabhi ko agwa AAPKE Bhai ne karwaya tha. Humare bhaiya aur bhabhi ke gunehgaar the woh. Unko saja dena ya na dena humari haathon me nahi tha. Agar aapke bhaiyo ne woh nahi kiya hote toh shayad aaj aapki bhabhiya bhi teej tyohar ki taiyyari kar rahi hoti.”

["And you're forgetting, Nupur, that it was your brother who had my sister-in-law kidnapped. They were the ones guilty of harming my brother and sister-in-law. Punishing them was not in my hands. If your brothers hadn't done what they did, maybe today your sister-in-law would also be preparing for the Teej festival."]

Her face turned red out of anger, but she needs to accept that it all started from her side.

We didn't start it for fuck's sake.

And not even this conversation — was started by me.

She started yelling on me for no reason at all and wanted to talk about this.

“KYUKI AAPKE BABUJI ne humari BUA ke pet me apna BACCHA daalkar MARNE KE LIYE CHHOR DIYA tha! Aapke PEETA JI ne.”

["BECAUSE YOUR FATHER left my AUNT to die after PUTTING HIS CHILD IN her womb! YOUR FATHER."]

Seriously? I'm trying to sound gentle, soft, and she is raising her voice again and over again.

I take a deep breathe in, to calm myself down.

“Aap humse kya aasha rakhti hai ki humare baap ne jo jo kiya sab ka harjaana hum bhugte? Humare bhaiya bhabhi bhugte? Ya unka baccha bhugte?”

["What do you expect from me? That I should bear the consequences of everything my father did? That my brother and sister-in-law should suffer? Or that their child should pay for it?"]

“Mat bhugatiye. Bhugat toh hum rahe hai. Gaon me badnaami. Aapse bewajah ki shadi. Apne dono bhai ki maut. Apne parivaar se door rehna. Sab kuch sirf aur sirf hum bhugat rahe hai.”

["Don't suffer. Because I'm already suffering. The shame in my village. An unwanted marriage with you. The deaths of both my brothers. Being distant from my family. I am the one bearing all of it."]

I scoffed upon listening her words.

“Bhugat rahi hai..humse shadi kar ke.” I let out a soft laugh. “Ab aai na sachhai jubaan par.”

["You're suffering... by marrying me." I let out a soft laugh. "Now the truth is finally on your lips."]

I didn't knew what to say anymore. I felt like she groped a knife right into my chest by saying those words.

I stood up from the bed, and wore my kurta.

She was still. Her lips were zipped.

I waited.

I waited for a minute to give her time so that she wouldn't tell me next that I didn't give her time to explain herself.

I did.

And she still remained zipped up.

I asked silently,

“Kab hai Teej?”

["When's Teej?"]

“Nahi jaana hume.”

["I don't want to go."]

I moved slowly towards her, stood right infront of her and cupped her cheek lovingly.

“Kab hai Teej, Nupur?”

["When's Teej, Nupur?"]

“Parso.” she muttered in a low voice. Her face soft now.

["Day after tomorrow."]

I gave her a nod.

“Koi aayega lene? Aapke mayeke se?”

["Is anyone coming to take you? From your maternal home?"]

“Bha—” she shook her head and I knew she was going to say that brother comes to take her sister for Teej.

“Koi baat nahin. Samaan bandh lijiyega. Hum pahucha aaenge aapko, kal sawere.”

["No worries. Just pack your things. I'll drop you off tomorrow morning."]

With that, I turned towards the door to leave the room, because I didn't wanted to stay there anymore.

But she grabbed my shoulder,

“Kaha Jaa rahe hai, itni raat me?”

["Where are you going at this late hour?"]

I held her hand and removed it gently from my body.

“Neend nahi aa rahi hume. Aap soiye. Jab neend aayegi, wapas aa jayenge.”

["I'm not able to sleep. You go to sleep. I'll come back when I feel sleepy."]

“Abhi—”

I cut her off,

“Soiye, Nupur. Kal aise bhi thakk jaengi aap.”

["Sleep, Nupur. You'll be tired tomorrow anyway."]

I walked outside the room, shutting the door behind me, softly.

I didn't knew where to go, what to do. So I just sat there, in the aangan, on the cot.

Time passed away.

The cool breeze of the night swept through the aangan, carrying with it the scent of fresh earth and distant jasmine. I lay on the cot, staring up at the starry sky, each twinkle reminding me of moments we had shared, moments that felt so far away now.

I hated that we had let our tempers flare, that my frustration had boiled over into hurtful words.

The emptiness beside me echoed louder than the sounds of the night.

I missed her so much. I missed the warmth of her laughter, the way her eyes sparkled when she smiled, even the gentle scolding she would give me for my thoughtlessness. Everything about her felt like a piece of my soul, and yet, here I was, isolated by my own stubbornness.

Whose mistake was it? Mine for not understanding her need to connect with her family? Or was it hers for wanting to step away when tensions rose?

My mind twisted in circles, replaying our heated words, searching for a thread of reason amidst the chaos of emotions. I wanted to believe it was a shared fault, a momentary lapse that led to this painful divide. But I knew I had let my feelings overwhelm me.

She shouldn't have said that thing about our marriage. That she was struggling throught it. Does she want it over? Why did she even say it? Am I not keeping her happy enough? I didn't even raise my voice during the whole conversation. I tried to remain calm. I tried to hold her and have a soft conversation with her. But she pushed me away. It feels so bad.

Rolling onto my side, I looked towards the bedroom door, half-hoping to see her come out, to find a way to bridge this rift between us.

I missed her presence, the way she could brighten even my darkest days with just a smile. It was maddening to think.

I had pushed myself away and she didn't stop me, even if only momentarily.

With that thought, I closed my eyes, letting the cool night air wrap around me like a gentle embrace, hoping for the dawn to bring a chance to make things right.